Responding to Conflict: 

An Emotionally Focused Guide to Managing Stressful Relationships at Home, School, and Work

Do you feel anxious just thinking about walking into work, heading back to school, or even starting a conversation with your partner? That knot in your stomach or the racing thoughts before anything even happens is often a sign of anticipatory anxiety, your mind and body reacting before the interaction has even begun.

For some, it is the dread of facing a boss who might cut them down in front of others. For students, it might be the worry of being mocked by a teacher or classmate. At home, it could be the heaviness of preparing for another moment where your partner makes you feel small. These experiences are tied to emotional triggers, automatic responses that happen so fast, you don’t always realize what sets them off.

Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT) offers a way to slow this process down. By learning to notice the steps in your reaction, triggers, body responses, thoughts, actions, and underlying feelings, you can better understand yourself and choose healthier ways to respond. Let’s walk through the process together, using examples from work, school, and home.

Notice Your Somatic (Physical) Response

Body responses are part of your nervous system preparing you to protect yourself. By learning to notice them in the moment, you can begin to slow down the cycle before it takes over.

(Image credit: Dr. Gloria Willcox, shared by Calm)

Identify Your Core Feelings

These are the underlying, more vulnerable emotions that often go unnoticed by others or remain unspoken. They are the real drivers beneath the surface, and noticing them helps you understand why your reactions are so strong.

Create Helpful Self Statements

Once you’ve identified your underlying emotions, the next step is to create self statements that help ground you and challenge the unhelpful thoughts that often take over. These are not about pretending everything is fine. They are about reminding yourself of your worth and keeping perspective in difficult moments.

Sometimes it helps to notice if the feeling is familiar from earlier in your life. Maybe you were criticized as a child, felt left out, or learned to keep quiet to avoid conflict at home. Recognizing that today’s reaction is connected to an old experience can help you see, “This is an old response I’ve carried with me. I don’t have to keep responding this way. I can choose something new.”

At work, when your boss criticizes you in front of others and you feel humiliated or insecure, you might tell yourself, “This person’s criticism, like the one I felt as a kid, doesn’t define me. I’m a capable and competent person worthy of respect.”

At school, when you’ve been mocked and you feel embarrassed or inadequate, you might say, “This sarcastic remark, like ones I’ve heard before, doesn’t define me. I’m intelligent and have something valuable to contribute.”

At home, when your partner makes you feel small and you feel hurt or ashamed, you might remind yourself, “This put-down, like others I’ve experienced in the past, doesn’t define me. I’m worthy of love, kindness, and encouragement.”

These kinds of statements don’t erase the situation, but they can help you calm the inner storm and begin to rewrite old responses that no longer serve you.

Ask yourself:

• What could you say to yourself in these moments that would be both truthful and kind?

• Can you recognize when today’s feelings remind you of older experiences?

• How might you begin to rewrite those old responses with new self statements?

Practice Assertive Responses

Once you’ve calmed your body and reminded yourself of your worth, you can begin practicing assertive responses. Assertiveness is different from being aggressive. It’s about expressing your needs clearly and respectfully instead of staying silent or lashing out. Sometimes that means keeping it simple and steady. Other times, it means being more direct. Having both options in mind can help you feel more prepared.

At work, when your boss criticizes you in front of others, instead of going silent you might say, “I’d like the chance to finish explaining my point before moving on.” Or you might respond more directly, “I won’t be spoken to like that. Nobody should be spoken to that way.”

At school, when you’re mocked by a teacher or classmate, instead of shrinking back, you might respond, “That comment felt sarcastic. I’m doing my best here.” Or you might be more direct, “Sarcasm is not appropriate. We all deserve a safe learning environment.”

At home, when your partner makes you feel small, instead of shutting down or snapping back, you might say, “When you speak to me that way, I feel hurt. I need your encouragement, not criticism.” Or you might be more direct, “That’s hurtful. I’ll do things my way, you can do them yours.”

These responses don’t guarantee the other person will change, but they help you protect your dignity, express your needs, and break free from old patterns of silence or anger. More importantly, these kinds of responses show others that you won’t accept this kind of behavior and that you are prepared to do something if it continues. Typically, it helps create a safer, more respectful relationship.

Ask yourself:

• Can you prepare one assertive response you’d feel comfortable saying at work, school, or home?

• Can you also prepare a more direct response that feels true to you?

1. Notice your cycle. The next time you feel anxious or triggered, pause and ask yourself: What was the trigger? What did I feel in my body? What thoughts ran through my mind?
2. Identify the underlying feelings. Use the Feelings Wheel to move beyond broad emotions like anger or sadness and find the specific words that describe how you really feel.
3. Write and practice your responses. Prepare one helpful self-statement, one assertive response, and one more direct response for situations at work, school, or home. Practice saying them out loud so you feel more confident when the moment comes.

Learning to respond differently takes time and may feel complicated and difficult to do on your own. If you find yourself struggling, remember that support is available. My colleague, Kathryn Burgher offers Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy, and I offer Emotionally Focused Couple and Family Therapy. Together, we are here to help you or others respond to conflict in healthier ways.

Take good care, 

Derrick McEachern

Wellbeing Assessment