How to Help Your Child When They Refuse Your Help
Are you worried about your child and struggling to connect with them the way you used to?
Do they seem to be turning inward, brushing off your questions, or getting frustrated when you try to talk? Maybe they are getting in trouble at school, withdrawing socially, or getting lost in unhealthy activities or friendships. You can feel the distance growing between you, but you’re not sure how to approach them.
Not Knowing How to Help
One of the hardest things for a parent is knowing your child is struggling, and not knowing how to help.
You might be doing everything you can to stay close—asking, listening, staying calm—but nothing seems to get through. You miss the closeness you once had, and now you are left guessing what is really going on, and more importantly, are they okay?
This kind of disconnection doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It may mean your child is overwhelmed, or just that they are trying to cope on their own, an important part of growing up.
Even if they seem to be pushing you away, it is important to remember how much you still matter. The time will come when they need you again. What matters now is keeping the door open, staying present, showing up in small ways, and letting them know you are still a safe person for them. Those moments of connection may be fewer for a while, but they are still possible, and they still count.
What Kids Really Need When They Are Struggling
When your child is struggling, whether it is with school, friendships, motivation, or figuring out who they are, it is easy to focus on what needs to change. You might feel the pressure to solve the problem, fix the behaviour, or get them back on track.
But more often than not, what kids need most in those moments is not judgment or criticism. It is to feel safe. To feel understood. To feel accepted, even if things are not going well.
They may not say it out loud, and they may not show it in obvious ways, but underneath the withdrawal, frustration, or silence is often a longing to know they matter, and that you believe in them.
Struggles with school, friends, identity, or emotions are all part of growing up. Most kids will go through times when they feel lost, uncertain, or disconnected from themselves. That does not mean something is broken. It means they are in the middle of figuring things out.
What makes the biggest difference in those times is a relationship where they feel like they do not have to have it all together. Where they can be uncertain, confused, or even angry and still be met with patience, not pressure.
At the same time, kids also need clear expectations. Emotional support does not mean lowering the bar. It means holding boundaries with calm consistency, so they know what is expected of them while still feeling respected. Things like showing up for school, being respectful at home, or contributing in small ways still matter. These expectations often provide a sense of normalcy and structure when everything else feels uncertain.
Sometimes the most helpful response is not, “Here is what you should do,” but, “That sounds really hard,” or, “I can understand why you would feel that way.” And sometimes it is, “I care about you, and I am still going to expect you to try.
It may not happen on our timeline, but your steady presence gives them the confidence to come forward in their own time.
What Kids Need Most
What kids need most is not judgment or criticism. It is to feel safe. To feel understood. To feel accepted, even if things are not going well.
Share Your Own Story of Struggle or Support
Have you ever been in a place where you did not know what to do? A time in your life when things felt uncertain, or you were carrying more than you could manage on your own?
Most of us have.
And while your experience may not be the same as your child’s, sharing a moment from your own life when you felt stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of yourself can help them feel less alone.
You don’t need to turn it into a lesson. Just let them hear that you have had hard times too. That you know what it feels like to go through something difficult. That getting support is something you understand—not just something you’re asking from them.
This kind of honesty does not fix things immediately. But it sends a message your child they may not hear any other way. It tells them that it is okay to struggle. That they are not weak for feeling lost. And that getting support is something people do when they care about themselves—not when they have failed.
It also helps you stay human in their eyes. And in moments when everything feels too big or too broken, that can be enough to help them start talking.
Helping Even When You Cannot Be Helper
It is painful to realize that no matter how much you care, your support may not be the kind your child can accept right now.
You might be offering patience, calm, and every ounce of presence you have, but still find that your child shuts down, pulls away, or refuses to talk.
This can leave you feeling helpless, like you are standing outside a room they will not let you into.
But even if you can’t be the one who helps directly, you are not out of options. You can still support them by helping connect them with someone else they might be willing to talk to.
This could be a school counsellor, a therapist, a coach, a relative, or another adult they trust.
You might say, “It seems like it has been hard to talk lately. If it feels easier to talk to someone else, I would be open to helping you find that person.”
Even if your child doesn’t realize it in the moment, you are giving them something very important—the security of knowing they are not alone. You are there. Even if you can’t be the one to help, you are with them.
Model Support Seeking
Help them see that seeking support is something people do when they care about themselves—not when they have failed.
How Counselling Can Help
When things feel stuck, counselling can offer something many kids need but may not know how to ask for—a calm, safe place to talk with someone who is not in the middle of it all.
Counselling can help a child sort through overwhelming thoughts, make sense of emotions, and begin to see choices where everything used to feel stuck.
For some kids, it is easier to talk to someone who is not a parent, teacher, or family member. Someone who will not react emotionally or carry their history into the conversation. That distance helps them feel more in control of what they share.
Counselling is not about fixing someone. It is not about giving advice or pointing out what they have done wrong. A good counsellor listens with care, asks thoughtful questions, and helps the person in front of them hear their own voice more clearly.
You might simply say, “Sometimes talking to someone outside the family helps.”
If They Say No
It is not unusual for kids to say no at first, even when they need help. Sometimes especially when they need help.
Saying no might be their way of holding onto some control. It might be how they protect themselves from feeling judged. It might simply be that they are not ready.
You don’t need to convince them. But you can keep the door open. You might say, “That is okay. If you change your mind, I will help you figure out the next step.”
When to Step In
There may come a time when waiting is no longer an option.
If your child is skipping school for long periods, using substances, withdrawing completely, or expressing hopelessness, it may be time to take a more direct role.
You might say, “I know things have been hard, and I can see that something is not working. I love you too much to sit by and watch you struggling. I have made an appointment with someone who can help. We can go together. You don’t need to talk if you are not ready. I’m happy to talk about my concerns, and all you need to do is listen.”
Stepping in does not have to mean conflict. It can mean being clear, steady, and modeling help seeking when your child is struggling to do so.
When You Need Support Too
When things feel stuck, your wellbeing matters too. And sometimes, the best way to support your child is to seek support yourself.
Counselling can give you space to process your own thoughts and emotions. It can help you step out of the cycle of reacting and provide you with a chance to consider strategies and how to respond in the most helpful way possible.
Counselling can help you discuss the problem, clarify your values, and talk through ways to communicate that feel natural and that you can feel confident about.
In doing so, you are also modeling that asking for help is part of how we care for ourselves and the people we love.
1. Focus on connection before correction Notice what your child is going through without rushing to fix it. Connection builds trust.
2. Offer support, not pressure Let them know support is available. They do not need to take it now, but it is there when they are ready.
3. Get support for yourself You do not have to do this alone. Counselling can help you stay grounded and connected while you support your child.
Wellbeing Assessment
Your wellbeing matters. Take five minutes to learn if you are suffering, surviving or thriving in five essential areas of life and what you can do to improve your wellbeing. Try it now.
Our Services
Our Emotionally Focused approach to Counselling Therapy will help you recognize how situations trigger emotional reactions so you can respond to problems and challenges and enjoy life more fully.
Emotionally Focused Couple and Family Therapy therapy helps families understand attachment needs and fears, repair bonds, and communicate in more helpful ways.
Derrick McEachern is a Registered Counselling Therapist (RCT) in Nova Scotia, and a Canadian Certified Counsellor. He specializes in providing mindfulness-based and emotionally focused therapy. He offers workshops and webinars and consults with businesses on ways to improve employee wellbeing and mental health.
Derrick McEachern, M.Ed., RCT, CCC
Counselling Therapist, Owner
Five Star Wellbeing Counselling and Mental Health
tel: 902 698 1194
derrick@fivestarwellbeing.com
https://fivestarwellbeing.com
