Do you struggle to get your kids help with household chores?
Many parents have spoken to say asking their kids for help often results in escalated battles, withdrawn or crying kids or angry teens. They wrestle with appropriate consequences or punishment, and they agonize about harming their relationship.
When we turn to threats, bribes, nagging or raised voices, it's rare for kids to feel motivated and engaged to help without constant reminders and direction.
While getting kids to help around the house can seem challenging, it doesn't have to be a battle. Engaging your children in chores can be a fantastic opportunity to teach responsibility, teamwork, and life skills.
Instead of viewing chores as just another argument waiting to happen, what if you could see them as a way to connect with your children, giving them some autonomy, and creating more interactions together? Let’s explore how you can motivate your kids to pitch in around the house, and we'll provide specific, practical examples of how to get the whole family pitching in.
1. Make Chores a Family Effort, Not a Punishment
A crucial shift in getting kids involved in chores is changing the perception of them. If kids feel like they’re being punished with chores, they’re going to resist. Instead, try reframing chores as a family effort—a shared responsibility for everyone, no matter their age.
Children want to feel like they're part of something bigger, like they’re contributing to the family unit. When we frame chores as teamwork, it helps reduce resistance and builds a sense of pride in doing their part.
Example 1: What You Can Say: "Everyone in this family helps to keep the house clean. Let’s see how much we can get done together in 20 minutes, and afterward, we can play a game or go outside!"
This approach helps your kids understand that chores aren’t punishment or busywork but part of maintaining the home as a team. Adding a clear reward like playing a game afterward gives them something to look forward to, making it more likely they’ll engage.
Example 2: What You Can Say: "We’re all part of this family team! I’ll vacuum the living room while you clean up your toys, and Dad will take care of the dishes. Let’s do it together!"
Here, you're creating a sense of camaraderie. Kids see that even adults are doing chores, which reinforces that it’s a normal part of life, not something to avoid or dread.
2. Give Choices, Not Commands
One of the simplest ways to motivate kids to help with chores is to offer them choices. Kids often push back when they feel like they don’t have control. By giving them options, you’re empowering them to make decisions about how they contribute. This sense of autonomy makes them much more likely to engage.
Example 1: What You Can Say" "Would you rather help set the table for dinner, or do you want to fold the laundry? It’s your choice!"
This gives them the ability to pick which chore they’d like to do, rather than feeling forced into one they may dislike. The key here is that, no matter what they choose, they’re still helping out and contributing to the family’s needs.
Example 2: What You Can Say" "Would you prefer to clean your room now, or after we finish dinner?"
Offering choices helps children feel more in control of their tasks. This method works well with older children and teens who are more independent and likely to resist direct commands.
3. Use Positive Reinforcement
Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool for motivating children. When kids feel that their efforts are recognized and appreciated, they’re more likely to repeat the behavior. It’s important to focus on praising their effort, not just the outcome.
Example 1: What You Can Say: "Wow, you did a great job setting the table tonight! I really appreciate how you made sure everyone had a fork and napkin. Thank you!"
This type of specific praise acknowledges their contribution and helps them feel proud of their work. It encourages them to continue helping in the future, knowing their efforts are valued.
Example 2: What You Can Do: Create a reward system that’s based on consistency rather than perfection. For example, you can implement a chore chart with stickers. Every time your child completes a task, they earn a sticker. After a week of consistent help, they can trade in their stickers for a small reward—extra screen time, picking the family movie for movie night, or getting to choose dinner one night.
This method builds long-term motivation. Kids understand that they’re being recognized not just for the immediate task, but for their ongoing efforts.
4. Make It Fun and Interactive
Kids naturally gravitate toward play and fun. When chores feel like another game or interactive activity, they’re more likely to jump in without hesitation. The key here is to infuse a bit of creativity or challenge into everyday tasks.
Example 1: What You Can Do: Turn chores into a race or challenge. For younger children, say, "Let’s see who can put away their toys the fastest!" Set a timer, and encourage them to beat the clock. This injects a sense of fun and urgency, transforming a dull task into an exciting game.
Example 2: What You Can Do: For older children, make chores interactive by letting them take the lead on something. For instance, you could say, “You pick the music while we clean the kitchen. Let’s see if we can finish by the time your playlist ends!” Giving them control over the environment, whether it’s the music or choosing which area to clean first, makes them more engaged in the process.
5. Model the Behavior You Want to See
Children learn best through observation. If you approach household chores with a positive attitude, your kids are more likely to mirror that behavior. Showing them that chores are a normal part of life and not something to complain about helps build a healthy mindset around responsibility.
Example: What You Can Do: When you’re working on your own chores, make it a point to be vocal about what you’re doing and why. For example, you could say, “I’m organizing the pantry so we can easily find what we need for dinner tonight. It’s important to keep things tidy, so we don’t waste time looking for stuff later!”
By making your actions and reasoning clear, you’re teaching your kids that chores are valuable, and they see that you practice what you preach.
6. Expect and Prepare for Initial Resistance
New habits and responsibilities are uncomfortable because they force us to grow. Why expect your kids to be any different? When you argue or try to convince kids that doing chores are important, you are making household chores a matter of debate. Don’t justify yourself or rationalize that everyone in the family has a role to play in taking care of the house. As kids take greater ownership over household chores they will gain confidence both that they are an important part of the family and that they will be able to take care of themselves when it is time to leave the nest.
Example 1: What You Can Do: Help them see that helping others is beneficial to them by using the when/then principal. For example, you could say, “Part of being in a family is that we help each other. When your room is clean, then yes, I can drive you to your friend’s house (or use any other thing they may want or need).
Example 2. What You Can Say: When you are getting resistance, rather than talking about who they are or what kind of person you want them to be, model working on being the kind of parent you can be proud of. “I wouldn’t be the kind of parent I want to be if everyone in the family didn’t participate in household chores, that’s why I expect you will also help the family by doing your part.”
Getting your kids involved in household chores doesn’t have to feel like pulling teeth. Make chores a family effort, offer choices, using positive reinforcement, make it fun, and model the behavior you want to see. Transform household tasks into opportunities for learning and bonding. Not only will your kids become more engaged, but they’ll also develop a sense of responsibility, pride in contributing to the family’s daily life, and confident that they can collaborate with others and take care of themselves.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How do I motivate my teenager to help with chores? Offer choices, give them autonomy over certain tasks, and use positive reinforcement. Teenagers respond well to having control over what they do and when.
2. What if my child refuses to help, no matter what? Stay consistent with your expectations, and make sure you’re modeling the behavior you want to see. Use the When/Then framework above. Give more attention to the positive behaviour. Use positive reinforcement when they do help, and avoid turning chores into a power struggle.
3. Should I give my child an allowance for doing chores? It depends on your family’s philosophy. Some parents prefer to tie allowance to chores, while others feel chores should be a shared responsibility.
4. How can I make chores fun for younger kids? Incorporate games, challenges, or music into the chores. Young children respond well to play-based activities.
5. Is it okay to correct my child if they don’t do a chore properly? Yes, but focus on effort over perfection. Offer gentle guidance, and praise their willingness to help rather than criticizing minor mistakes.
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About the Author:
Derrick McEachern is a Registered Counselling Therapist (RCT) in Nova Scotia, and a Canadian Certified Counsellor. He specializes in providing mindfulness-based and emotionally focused therapy. He offers workshops and webinars and consults with businesses on ways to improve employee wellbeing and mental health.
Derrick McEachern, M.Ed., RCT, CCC
Counselling Therapist, Owner
Five Star Wellbeing Counselling and Mental Health
tel: 902 698 1194
derrick@fivestarwellbeing.com
https://fivestarwellbeing.com
