How First Responders Coping Strategies Can Affect Secure Attachment
What happens when the coping strategies that enable first responders to act in crisis situations create distance and disconnection with loved ones? Firefighters, paramedics, police officers, and emergency personnel face intense pressure on the job. They witness traumatic events, make split-second decisions, and must often suppress their emotions to stay focused. These coping strategies help them navigate crises, but when carried into personal relationships, they can create emotional distance from spouses and children.
How does this affect secure attachment? Partners may feel shut out, children may feel unimportant, and first responders themselves may lose touch with their own emotions. Understanding these challenges can help first responders and their families find healthier ways to connect.
Foundations of Attachment
Humans are social beings and we all need a safe haven and a secure base from which to experience the world.
In their book Circle of Security, Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper and Bert Powell lay out the need for children to have a secure base from which to explore the world, and a safe haven to come back to when they inevitably come up against difficulty.
Adolescents and adults have similar, but developmentally different needs to feel secure and safe.
Stage of Development | Secure Base | Safe Haven |
Childhood Relationships | Watch over me Delight in me Help me | Protect me Comfort me Organize my feelings |
Adolescents Relationships | Watch me Share Experiences with Me Let me do it myself | Listen to me Understand my feelings Help me when I ask |
Adult Relationships | Value me Encourage me See my contributions | Hear me Understand me Respond to my needs |
Coping Strategies in a Crisis
First responders are trained to use coping mechanisms that allow them to function under extreme stress. These often include:
- Emotional detachment – Shutting down emotions to stay in control during high-stress situations
- Compartmentalization – Keeping work stress separate from personal life
- Self-reliance – Handling problems independently rather than seeking emotional support
- Decisive Thinking – Making quick, choices and decisions with little room for emotional complexity
At work, these strategies are necessary for survival. At home, they may leave loved ones feeling disconnected, unheard, or even unimportant. A spouse may struggle to understand why their partner doesn’t open up, and children may feel that their parent is physically present but emotionally absent.
Quality Time and Secure Connections
A family member’s feelings may seem minor compared to crisis situations at work. Short, daily check-ins, and periods of quality time can reassure loved ones that they matter.
How Common Coping Strategies Affect Secure Attachment
Secure attachment is built on emotional availability, responsiveness, and a sense of safety in relationships. When a first responder’s coping strategies carry over into family life, it can disrupt these key elements.
Spouses May Feel Shut Out
Many partners of first responders want to offer emotional support but don’t know how. If a first responder keeps their struggles to themselves, their spouse may feel like they have no role in helping. Over time, they may interpret this as a lack of trust or a sign that their partner doesn’t need them. This can lead to resentment, frustration, and emotional disconnection.
Some spouses may also misinterpret emotional detachment as disinterest. If a first responder remains silent after a hard shift, their partner may assume they don’t care about the relationship rather than understanding that emotional suppression is a learned survival skill.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help couples break these patterns and rebuild emotional connection. By learning how to express emotions in a safe and supportive way, couples can strengthen their bond and better understand one another’s needs. The Emotionally Focused Therapy Guide for Couples provides a deeper look at how EFT can help partners reconnect.
Children May Feel Unimportant
Children rely on parents for emotional connection, reassurance, and validation. When a first responder frequently withdraws or remains emotionally unavailable, a child may internalize this as, “I’m not important enough for my parent to pay attention to me.”
This can lead to:
- Seeking attention through negative behaviors
- Becoming emotionally distant themselves
- Feeling insecure about their relationship with their parent
Children don’t understand that their parent is emotionally shutting down as a coping mechanism. They only know how it feels—lonely, confusing, and sometimes even hurtful.
First Responders Can Lose Touch with Their Own Emotional Life
Over time, constantly pushing emotions aside can make it difficult for first responders to recognize their own emotional needs. They may struggle to:
- Identify what they’re feeling beyond surface-level stress or exhaustion
- Express vulnerability in their relationships
- Experience joy, connection, and intimacy fully
This emotional numbness doesn’t just affect their relationships—it can also contribute to burnout, depression, and difficulty finding fulfillment outside of work.
Secure Attachment In Families.
Secure attachment in families shows includes comfort with closeness and emotional intimacy, the ability to ask for help and offer support, trust that the relationship is a safe place for vulnerability, and a willingness to work through conflict rather than avoid it.
What Is Secure Attachment and Why Does It Matter?
Secure attachment is the ability to give and receive comfort, support, and reassurance in relationships. It develops in early childhood when emotional needs are consistently met by caregivers, and it shapes how people relate to others throughout life.
In adult relationships, secure attachment shows up as:
- Comfort with closeness and emotional intimacy
- The ability to ask for help and offer support
- Trust that the relationship is a safe place for vulnerability
- A willingness to work through conflict rather than avoid it
In families, secure attachment helps children feel safe, understood, and emotionally supported. When this sense of connection is present, children are more likely to thrive emotionally and socially.
For couples, secure attachment allows both partners to feel valued, understood, and emotionally connected. It also helps them navigate stress, parenting, and life’s challenges as a team rather than feeling isolated or unsupported.
The article Understand Your Attachment History explores how attachment styles shape relationships and how they can be changed for the better. Everyone in the family has an attachment history. It’s important for first responders to understand their partner’s attachment history—so they can respond to their needs in ways that maintain their attachment bond. Finally, it’s important that first responders remember that every interaction with their family is an opportunity to strengthen security and connection within the family.
Finding Balance: Strengthening Emotional Connection
Have your experiences responding to crisis and trauma impacted how you seek or provide comfort at home? If so, how?
It's important first responders don’t need to abandon their coping skills, but it is important to adjust them when interacting with loved ones. Here’s how:
- Recognize the emotional needs of loved ones – Understand that partners need to feel included and children need to feel valued.
- Validate emotions, even if they seem overly sensitive – A family member’s feelings may seem minor compared to crisis situations at work, but their emotions still matter.
- Communicate, even when it’s difficult – If talking about emotions feels unnatural, start small—acknowledge a hard shift or share a small part of the experience.
- Make time for emotional connection – Even short, daily check-ins can reassure loved ones that they matter.
- Seek support – Therapy, peer groups, or couples or family counseling can help build healthier emotional habits.
- Set aside daily check-in time – Even five minutes of open conversation can help family members feel valued.
- Express emotions in small ways – A simple “I had a tough day” can help a partner feel included.
- Practice self-compassion – Recognizing your own emotional needs can prevent burnout and help you stay present in relationships.
- Seek professional guidance – Counselling can help first responders reconnect with their emotions and strengthen relationships.
Take good care,
Derrick
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Derrick McEachern is a Registered Counselling Therapist (RCT) in Nova Scotia, and a Canadian Certified Counsellor. He specializes in providing mindfulness-based and emotionally focused therapy. He offers workshops and webinars and consults with businesses on ways to improve employee wellbeing and mental health.
Derrick McEachern, M.Ed., RCT, CCC
Counselling Therapist, Owner
Five Star Wellbeing Counselling and Mental Health
tel: 902 698 1194
derrick@fivestarwellbeing.com
https://fivestarwellbeing.com
