Self-Discipline is Learned From Natural Consequences, Not Punishment

Anxiety, depression, trauma, substance abuse, bullying, racism, sexism, homophobia; the list of challenges our children and youth will face in their lifetime appears overwhelming. To become mentally healthy, confident and competent young adults, our kids will need to develop self awareness and self-discipline. Two families I have worked with in family counselling demonstrate the complexities facing parents.

• A male teen who has repeatedly displays high risk behaviours has seizures and is sent to hospital after consuming a bottle of cough syrup with friends
• Revealing photos of a female teen are circulated around her high-school and the situation is brought to the attention of her school administrator who informs her parents 

Threats, Bribes and Punishment Impair Self-Discipline.

When parents see their kids struggle, there's a natural urge to help and protect them. But when we rescue our kids by stepping in and resolving problems for them, we rob them of the confidence and self-discipline that develops from solving problems for themselves. The message a kid gets is, "the world is a difficult and dangerous place and you aren't really capable of navigating it."

On the other hand, when a kid avoids responsibility or does something to themselves or others that cause harm, parents often feel the need to punish their kid to teach them a "lesson". But punishment can also delay a kid's development. Punishment can rob a kid of their ability to reflect on the experience, an important part of learning. Instead, they resent the parent's punishment. The message a kid gets is, "you aren't capable of learning from your mistakes, so we're going to punish you to be sure you get it."

Model self-discipline to develop self-discipline.

We all solve problems and make better decisions when we are in control of our feelings and emotions. Especially with big problems, parents also deal with fear, shame and disappointment. When parents react emotionally, kids miss the chance to experience and deal with their own emotions. What kids need most in difficult situations is a parent who thinks clearly and doesn't get swept up in their own emotions so the teen can process their own emotions. This helps the teen develop a deeper sense of self-awareness and ultimately, greater self-discipline.

In her book Kids Are Worth It, Barbara Coloroso says that parents who resist punishment and instead focus on discipline help kids:

• maintain a sense of dignity
• develop a deeper understanding of the problem and possible solutions
• take ownership of the problem
• learn what they have done wrong and find ways to resolve the problem

When you don't over-react, rescue and punish, you increase the likelihood that your child will learn from their experiences and see you, not as another problem to manage, but someone they can go to for help when needed.

Natural consequences can be found at all ages and stages. The earlier your kids learn to navigate problems the more confident and competent they will be at managing bigger problems in the future - at work, with colleagues, in intimate relationships and in the broader community.

When you have an opportunity this week, give some thought to the real-world consequences you have faced. Did your parents tend to be rescuers or punishers, or did they support you to navigate and solve problems for yourself? What impact did that have on your confidence in solving problems?

The next time you have a chance with your children, take advantage of real-world consequences and empower kids to become more confident, competent and self-disciplined.

Take good care,

Derrick

Wellbeing Assessment

Our Services